The considerations of having a second child
After the first child, there will be many asking if you would want a second child. It's common to stop at 2 but nowadays, I have lots of friends who only have one kid. That led me to ask them why they did not want another child. These are the reasons:
1. Not enough Love
A few of them gave me this reason: They are afraid the love for the first child will diminish with the birth of a second one. I can confirm this is entirely nonsense. Your love for your partner does not wane with the birth of a child. Rather, our heart expands to hold a bigger capacity for love, and you can love your partner and your children in different ways.
Similarly for a second child, your love is not finite, it will not be divided and will only be increased to encompass another.
2. Not enough Attention
A more logical reason would be: They are afraid of the decreased attention that can be shown to the first child. I feel that this is also an excuse. A good part of having a second child is because the children can play together. The siblings can show more attention to each other, playing the same toys, learning the same things.
Your attention can therefore be reduced, while the siblings look out for one another.
3. Scared of Pain
An understandable reason and something I thought through: They are afraid of going through pregnancy, morning sickness, delivery, confinement, babies' cryings and waking up throughout the night. If mothers can remember the labour pain very well, likely nobody will want more kids. We are all afraid of more hardships and these excruciating pain.
People like me, who do not have a maid gets them worse as there are always loads of house work to be done and not all partners are like mine who are willing to help out.I fully empathise with this and I can relate to the reasons, but I also believe in long term rewards outweighing the short term pain.
I believe that a sibling will provide good company and can also share the responsibilities of the parents. One child feels too lonely, probably because I grew up with 2 other siblings.
4. Not enough Money
A very good reason from a truthful friend: They do not want to incur more financial expenses. With 1 child, the family can go overseas regularly and it will be easy to bring a child along. With the second child, it might take longer to save up to go vacations and it is more inconvenient to look after another child. Interestingly, this friend also admitted they just don't want to go through another baby phase.
I admit babies are a cost concern but I believe that the baby bonus can help subsidise at least the first year with my analysis and that's good enough for me. I can't expect the government to help me pay for everything.
What I feel
I agree the finances is a big consideration for me too, particularly because I am now self employed at SnackFirst. However, separating the 2 issues, having children should not be an impediment to what I want in life. I asked myself if I have a regular income, would I want to have another child? If I do not have any children, will I still start my own business?
Since both questions I answered in the affirmative, I decided that I should go ahead to do both, regardless of my finances and family size. Any reasons become just excuses. Children and family should not be an excuse for me not to do something. Rather, they are a big motivation for me to do more.
For my older friends, most admitted that they actually wanted 2 children. Most of them I spoke to regretted not having another child. A minority of them could not have more children due to old age or health, which is also their top regret.
It seems the consensus is 2 children is better than 1.
For those friends who have more than 2 children, when asked the reason, all of them explained that they like having a big family. I have not heard of anyone who regretted giving birth to more (yet?). The only regret from them is that they started giving birth too late in their life and would have had more if they were younger.
The main question I ask myself, and you should ask yourself too, is if you will regret later on in life not giving birth to another child.
I know I surely would.
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1. Not enough Love
A few of them gave me this reason: They are afraid the love for the first child will diminish with the birth of a second one. I can confirm this is entirely nonsense. Your love for your partner does not wane with the birth of a child. Rather, our heart expands to hold a bigger capacity for love, and you can love your partner and your children in different ways.
Similarly for a second child, your love is not finite, it will not be divided and will only be increased to encompass another.
2. Not enough Attention
A more logical reason would be: They are afraid of the decreased attention that can be shown to the first child. I feel that this is also an excuse. A good part of having a second child is because the children can play together. The siblings can show more attention to each other, playing the same toys, learning the same things.
Your attention can therefore be reduced, while the siblings look out for one another.
3. Scared of Pain
An understandable reason and something I thought through: They are afraid of going through pregnancy, morning sickness, delivery, confinement, babies' cryings and waking up throughout the night. If mothers can remember the labour pain very well, likely nobody will want more kids. We are all afraid of more hardships and these excruciating pain.
People like me, who do not have a maid gets them worse as there are always loads of house work to be done and not all partners are like mine who are willing to help out.I fully empathise with this and I can relate to the reasons, but I also believe in long term rewards outweighing the short term pain.
I believe that a sibling will provide good company and can also share the responsibilities of the parents. One child feels too lonely, probably because I grew up with 2 other siblings.
4. Not enough Money
A very good reason from a truthful friend: They do not want to incur more financial expenses. With 1 child, the family can go overseas regularly and it will be easy to bring a child along. With the second child, it might take longer to save up to go vacations and it is more inconvenient to look after another child. Interestingly, this friend also admitted they just don't want to go through another baby phase.
I admit babies are a cost concern but I believe that the baby bonus can help subsidise at least the first year with my analysis and that's good enough for me. I can't expect the government to help me pay for everything.
What I feel
I agree the finances is a big consideration for me too, particularly because I am now self employed at SnackFirst. However, separating the 2 issues, having children should not be an impediment to what I want in life. I asked myself if I have a regular income, would I want to have another child? If I do not have any children, will I still start my own business?
Since both questions I answered in the affirmative, I decided that I should go ahead to do both, regardless of my finances and family size. Any reasons become just excuses. Children and family should not be an excuse for me not to do something. Rather, they are a big motivation for me to do more.
For my older friends, most admitted that they actually wanted 2 children. Most of them I spoke to regretted not having another child. A minority of them could not have more children due to old age or health, which is also their top regret.
It seems the consensus is 2 children is better than 1.
For those friends who have more than 2 children, when asked the reason, all of them explained that they like having a big family. I have not heard of anyone who regretted giving birth to more (yet?). The only regret from them is that they started giving birth too late in their life and would have had more if they were younger.
The main question I ask myself, and you should ask yourself too, is if you will regret later on in life not giving birth to another child.
I know I surely would.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Like me on Facebook to be updated on more #Familytalk posts.
Jes
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I am quite surprised that time isn't one of the factors listed, especially since that is actually one of the key factors for us. With our busy schedules, we already find it hard to spend time with one and especially so for two. With more, it's going to be even harder and that's one of the key considerations. If you do not have enough time for 1 or even 2 kids, then it's going to be spread even thinner with more. After all, what's the point of having more kids if we are going to just outsource all the caregiving?
ReplyDeleteHi Kate,
DeleteTime seems like a valid reason but I guess my friends feel they could manage their time appropriately, and prioritise accordingly. We can always give up some sleep and to be honest, I always find 'Not enough time' an excuse. If you have time for 1 child, I don't see why we can't spend time with both together.
It's definitely gonna be a struggle at the start, and definitely no outsourcing!
Valid point about spending time together but the tricky thing is that different kids require different level of attention and activity at different age group. What you do with a 2 year old will be different with what you do with a 2 month old and it can be tricky to "merge" those two together.
ReplyDeleteI always thought that having kids is kind of equivalent of giving up time for youself and also sleep to a certain extent. Time is finite.
Perhaps it might sound like an excuse but "not enough time" is very real, which unfortunately more often than not, is due to work.
Hi Kate,
DeleteVery true that at different age group, they require different things from us. As they age, I think they want lesser hugs but more involvement in play and attention. It is definitely better when you have a partner to share the involvement with 2 kids, it's still a 1:1 ratio!
Yep, having kids means a sacrifice from parents. When I prioritise my family and chose my kids over money, I sacrificed my high paying but time-consuming travel job. I guess if your work is not allowing much time, it may be good to re-consider your priorities and perhaps even ask for a different role. It's still up to us parents to make the decision and actively manage our time!
Agree on priorities!
ReplyDeleteHave a smooth pregnancy and looking forward to read updates!
Thank you Kate for letting my know your perspectives! I recently read a Straits Times article on a Singaporean family with 10 kids.... omg! So everything is really just an excuse =P
DeleteI have heard of bullshit reasons from people who do not want to have kids. They go something like "I don't want to bring another child into this competitive, cruel world", "I want to save mother earth by not adding to the world's population". Now a new one from your post "I don't want to dilute my love for my first child".
ReplyDeleteThe most common reason for not wanting to have more kids is probably also an unspoken one. Many people are simply not willing to make the sacrifice necessary to raise a kid. The more highly educated the parents are, the greater the opportunity cost, the greater the sacrifice. Raising kids take a lot of time and money away from the parents. It means lesser time to enjoy themselves, lesser money to spend on themselves. This is why I cannot help but respect women who give up successful careers to become devoted and more productive mothers.
Hi Hyom,
DeleteI agree with you, all reasons are excuses. To not want to have kids means able to avoid all the pain, sleepless nights and short term sufferings. However, I do think that people who are not willing, should not have kids. These people might miss out on the joy and happiness for expanding a family or end up with regrets so it's up to them.
You can outsource work, house work but we cannot outsource the job of a parent. It's up to us to prioritise and plan how we want to lead our life, to use our time. I am much happier now so I can't say it's a big sacrifice to give up a high paying job. There is no price tag on happiness!
Thanks for reading and commenting :)